The referral bug

Before Scott & I were married we talked a lot about family & what we envisioned our lives to be like - how many kids, public or private schools, SAHM vs. working mom, city or suburbs, etc. Even though we planned and I knew I wanted to have a family, I never had 'baby bug.' You know what I'm talking about - women flocking to stollers, going weak at the knees at the little bundles inside. I often wondered what was wrong with me. Wasn't I mommy material? But I knew I wanted a family that included kids. Anyhoo, after being married we decided to start trying for a baby. I wanted to get pregnant so badly - but seeing another baby still didn't send me into the baby frenzy. At times I wondered if I wasn't getting pregnant because I didn't have that infatuation with everything baby like my sisters, friends and coworkers did. Was there something wrong with me?

After many years of trying to get pregnant & lots of oh-so-fun-and-invasive fertility treatments, it worked. We were elated. Alas, I'd surely get the baby bug now. Nope. It just didn't happen. Don't get me wrong, I loved (and still love) my son more than life itself, but I never went gushy over babies, even after I had my own. I hope it doesn't sound cold to say that I was not sad to see my son's toddler years approach. Interacting with a child who communicates, immitates and plays is much more my thing. I definitely enjoyed being a mom more when my son was no longer a baby. Odd, I know.

Well, I may not ever get that baby bug - but I sure do have the referral bug. When referrals come out or I hear someone who is freshly DTC - OMG, I just want to start paperchasing again. I'm such a planner, not usually impulsive - but that's all down the crapper when I see those referral photos (yep, even with the 20 layers of puffy clothes and stoic expressions on their faces - even with the weird backdrops). God help me. I'm like an addict - obsessively checking message boards, offering sappy congrats to the new parents, who I don't know; crying at their excitement; checking message boards; dreaming of when we could start the process again.

It would be such a bad idea to add another child into our picture right now - I'm in school, Allison is so young and realistically I know my limitations. But, it still itches. Where and when does it end? Is there a support group for people like me? Maybe a patch I can wear? Oh my - this is one big ass bug, and it bit me hard.

For now, I'll settle for living vicariously through others - anxiously waiting for CCAA to send out the next batch of referrals & making more dreams come true.