Intrustive questions

Nosey questions and stares have become a fact of life for our family. Last week, Allison & I met up with our buddies KatieJ and Buttons at an area mall. We were having lunch in the food court and the folks at the neighboring table felt the need to stare at the two mommies with the Asian girls (aka, us). The excessive staring made us feel uncomfortable. Good God, have these people left their house since 1952? Families are colorful. So, I felt the need to post about it.

Rarely do I venture out that I'm not asked about our daughter. Here are just a few of the regular intrusions:

Is she yours?
Did you adopt her?
Why did you adopt?
Couldn't you have your own child? (own?)
Is your son adopted too?
Is he your real child? (real?)
How much did she cost?
Did you gave to go get her?
Why China?
How come you didn't adopt an American baby, since there are so many in foster care? (I always want to answer this one with: How much time do you have?)

I realize that it's human nature to be curious (sometimes overly) with everything that's different. I also realize there are those who are socially illiterate & cross the line with their questions, and those who stare just a little to long (folks in the mall food court). However, when it's you who is at the receiving end of the intrusions, it's not always these thoughts that come to mind. I often have to stop myself from being flip (Moi, flip?), because I don't want my daughter to get any negative impressions from me about adoption. So, I'm often torn about how to handle these situations. I don't always feel ready for them - although I should be. I also don't feel the responsiblity to educate strangers about intertational adoption or our family planning. I am proud of how we built or family and I am open to discuss adoption, families, kids, infertility, fertility or whatever - but there is a time & place for these discussions & the grocery store, with my kids in tow, isn't it.

Well, on the heels of my recent discussion at the mall about intrusive questions and stares, comes Adoptive Families magazine with the article Nosey Questions. I was so anxious to read it & get some useful suggestions. The article was very helpful & here are the listed 5 tips for parents "when posed with nosey questions":

1. Remember that your child is listening not just to what you say, but the tone in which you say it.
2. Keep your responses brief and factual. (Don't spring any new information on your child in public.)
3. Use positive language and reinforce family ties. For example, say, "He is my son," "I am his mother," "They are sister and brother," "We are a real family."
4. Find out how your child feels about such public discussions, and follow her lead. (in the article it notes: "Kids' impressions change over time, so check in with your child often.")
5. Politely excuse yourself from a conversation if you or your child is uncomfortable or if you believe the question was rude or unkind. (a suggestion in the article: "I'm sorry, but we are enjoying special family time right now. I don't really have time to talk.")

Recently, I had some quiet time to myself & channel surfed my way to TLC's Little People, Big World. The episode I watched addressed how they always encounter staring when out in public. Yep, I can relate (not to the height issue, but to the staring). The 12 year old daughter spoke about her feelings on the constant staring & she was very relaxed about it and said (summarized, except for the quote): People stare a lot, because my mom is short. But, that's OK, because "she just is." She just is. Wow, these three simple words smacked me upside of the head. That is how I need to approach the staring in public - people stare because we're different, we just are. Nothing more, nothing less. We just are.

So, with my new attitude about the attention we get because we are different (we just are) and with suggestions listed in AF magazine, I feel armed (and not so dangerous) for the questions and stares.