Do you love them the same?

Over the holidays I was asked this question by a relative. What they were referring to was the love that I have for my bio son & adopted daughter. At first I was slightly offended by the question & surprised that someone would ask me that. Then I realized that they struck a nerve because I stewed over this question for many nights before Allison joined our family. Could I love another child as much as I love Brent? I knew I had opened my heart and was ready to receive our daughter, but in all honesty I was scared that I couldn't love her as much. Added to my fear was guilt that I had such thoughts. At times I wondered if I should even be adopting if I wasn't absolutely sure.

Then came the moment of truth (so I made myself think) - Gotcha Day. I would love to say that the moment I first held Allison I immediately felt the motherly love and an instant bond. Well, that Hallmark moment wasn't exactly how it happened. I was sooo excited to finally meet her & was overwhelmed with emotion - but, I didn't know her. Over the next month I was in a fog with a new baby (who was old enough to already have a personality, fears, likes & dislikes). And so we entered the get-to-know-you stage. We all had to adjust to this new little person in our family and Allison slowly learned to trust us and became comfortable in her new environment. Allison's fears slowly turned into trust and the fog started to lift and there, shining through like the sun, was the love - strong and bright and warm.

Now as I look back on how Brent & Allie came into my life, their means of entry may have been different, but that's it. The new baby fog, the get-to-know-you stage and the strong bond that developed at a slow and steady pace was there for both children. (A friend described to me how she felt when she recently gave birth to her second son - "the love I have for son #1 has the familiarity of the relationship I have with my own mom... I can't remember it ever not being there & he's just part of me. Then there's son #2 who is new it's like having a new boyfriend, I am all consumed trying to get to know everything about him & it feels like a high school crush.") So, I'm sure if I gave birth to Allison, I would have had fears during my pregnancy (as I did during the wait for referral & Gotcha Day) worrying if I could love my second child as much as my first child. Even though the love we feel for our first child seems to fill up every inch of space in our heart, somehow (as if miraculously) there's plenty of room for another; however, there isn't any room in my heart for the terms biological and adopted, they're just my kids. Period.

So back to the question... Do I love them the same? YES!

**as a little note about the relative who asked this... She later in the evening confided in me that she and her husband have been battling infertility & they have been considering adoptioning from China & knew that I would give them an honest answer.